Babies don’t sleep
I’ve always kind of jokingly said, “I’m going to write a book someday, and the title is going to be- ‘Babies don’t Sleep’!” If you look in the parenting section of the book store, there are more books written about sleep than any other topic. That’s because parents will do anything to get their baby to sleep! They are constantly in search for the magic bullet, that elusive secret, that will enable them to get their little one to go to sleep and stay asleep. People spend thousands of dollars on “sleep experts” or “sleep trainers”, desperate to find the answer that has been evading them. The real answer is….babies don’t sleep! Nor are they supposed to!
When your baby is born, his/her brain is very immature. They are also still figuring out how to breathe efficiently, remember, they didn’t breathe in the womb. Newborns will often experience what is called “periodic breathing” where they skip a breath and then breathe quickly to make up for it. Waking frequently helps prevent this immature little person from experiencing spells of apnea, where they forget to breathe. This is one of the reasons that breastfed babies have a lower incidence of SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome). Because they rouse more frequently, they don’t get into that period of very deep sleep where they’re more at risk for apnea.
Babies sleep cycles are also much different than an adult’s. Adults spend only 20-25% of their total sleep time in REM sleep, with the rest (75 to 80%) in quiet or deep sleep. Adults have more than twice as much quiet or non-REM sleep as babies. The frequency of REM sleep in infancy gradually decreases to adult levels between 2-3 years of age. (which means they are more prone to waking until that happens). You can tell when your baby is in a REM stage of sleep by the movement of his eyes beneath his eyelids, twitches, facial expressions such as smiles and grimaces, and irregular breathing. Babies also have shorter sleep cycles than adults- meaning the time going from a REM to a non-REM state of sleep is less. Adults sleep cycles typically last about 90 minutes, where babies’ sleep cycles shift every 50-60 minutes. During these periods of transition, babies are more easily aroused and will wake up. It also takes babies longer to go into a deeper period of sleep. When adults fall asleep, they typically go quickly into a quiet state of sleep without passing through an initial period of REM sleep. Babies, however, go through a period of REM sleep (usually lasting about 20 minutes) before entering into a deeper, quiet stage of sleep. That is why they often wake up as soon as you try to put them down, because they are still in a lighter state of sleep. This is why babies need to be “parented” to sleep, rather than just put down. Nursing, rocking, walking, snuggling all will help your baby as he/she transitions to a deeper sleep.
Babies also have no concept of night and day. There is a common misconception in our culture that you can “teach” a baby the difference by trying to keep them up during the day, feeding them more often during the day so they won’t need to eat as much during the night, or even giving them solid foods prematurely because it will make them sleep through the night. While it is useful to help your baby eventually be able to differentiate between night and day by keeping him/her around activity and sights/sounds during the day and keeping nighttime dark and quiet, this doesn’t happen overnight (no pun intended). Babies need to eat during the night- their stomachs are small and their milk is quickly digested. They also need the reassurance of your presence. Their world is very small at first, and if you are a few feet away from them, in their minds, you don’t exist! No wonder they cry for you to be close to them! You are their comfort, warmth, food, protection and security. When you are near your baby, they feel “right”. They regulate all their bodily functions more efficiently. Their need to be near you is just as real as any of their other needs.
So what does this mean for tired parents? If babies don’t sleep, how are parents to survive? This is a hotly debated topic with very strong opinions on both sides, leading parents to question themselves and what the “right” thing to do is to get your baby to sleep. The bottom line is- what is right for one family, may not work for the next. Or even, what worked with one child in the same family, might not work for the next. I have six children, and they were very different in their nighttime neediness, even though they were nighttime parented in relatively the same way. In my experience, the vast majority of parents end up sleeping with their babies at least some of the time, simply for survival. You can’t be awake multiple times a night for months without losing your mind (or selling your baby to the gypsies!) at some point. If bringing baby into bed gets the whole family more sleep, then most parents end up doing it, even though they have been strongly cautioned not to by family, friends, and our society in general. The key is…if you’re going to sleep with your baby, you need to do it safely. It makes more sense to me to tell parents- “yes, the safest place for your baby to sleep is on their back in their own space. But if they will not sleep like that and you choose to sleep with your baby…here’s how to do it safely”. So here are the tenants of safe sleep if you choose to bring your baby into your bed with you:
* Never sleep with your baby if you are under the influence of any mind-altering substances. This doesn’t have to mean drinking a six-pack or smoking something funky- it doesn’t have to be illicit to dull your faculties. Allergy meds, pain meds, sleep aids etc..can make you less aware of your baby next to you. If you have your wits about you, will be aware of your baby’s presence.
*Make sure the mattress is a firm surface with no pillows or blankets up around baby. Breastfeeding mothers sleep with their babies at breast level, so don’t pull the blanket up to your shoulders where it would be up around baby.
*Neither parent is a smoker. Smoking dramatically increases the risk of SIDS.
*baby is on his back to sleep. You can nurse side-lying, but then baby should be rolled onto his back to sleep.
*no older children in the bed. Toddlers are all over the bed, and wouldn’t have an awareness of the baby’s presence like mom does.
*Keep the bed low to the ground. Many parents just put their mattress on the floor to avoid the risk of baby falling off the edge of the bed. Also keep the mattress a good distance away from the wall to avoid the risk of the baby getting trapped between the edge of the bed and the wall.
*Baby is breastfed. Because breastfed babies have a lower incidence of SIDS, formula feeding parents should not cosleep.
If your baby will sleep in their own space, praise the lord and do it! But it seems patently unfair and unrealistic to me to tell parents to never sleep with their babies, leaving them no options other than to let their babies cry (which is proven by research to be harmful to young babies), or to cosleep without the knowledge of how to do it safely.
The bottom line is…babies don’t sleep. For biologically and physiologically very good reasons. Often just knowing that it’s normal, and that “this too, shall pass” helps parents cope. The expectation that babies should sleep sets parents up for frustration and self-doubt. How often is the first question that people ask a new parent is “how do they sleep?” or “are they sleeping through the night?” Yes, it’s exhausting and overwhelming…but it’s normal. I promise you, you WILL sleep again someday. And then you will miss that little face waking up next to yours…it’s true.
