The importance of mother to mother support
Never has it been more obvious to me how vitally important mother to mother support is than during the covid pandemic. Although I always knew how important that connection was for new moms, it was the lack thereof, that proved how vital it really is. I remember my own experience with this, when as a very young new mom (I was 20 when I had my first child), I was totally isolated for my first few years as a mother. I had two children under the age of two and was pregnant with my third baby. We lived on a new street with only a few houses, and our only neighbors were working couples with no children. We only had one car at the time, so my husband took the car to work each day leaving me stranded with my little ones and no adult interaction whatsoever. Because I was young, all my friends were either still in college, or living the single life going to bars and living it up. My days were filled with diapers, wiping up messes and endless walks up and down our dead-end street just to get out of the house. To say I was lonely, was an understatement. It wasn’t until we moved (and I had 3 more children) that I knew the glory of having mom friends. Weekly playgroups, birthday parties, and social gatherings as couples became a source of great satisfaction and happiness for both me and my family.
I began my breastfeeding career as a La Leche leader, an organization that operates on a mother-to-mother support premise. This group later became the impetus for the first Lactation Consultants, and it was how I got started on my path to become board certified. But that was not the beauty of that group. La Leche League welcomed pregnant women thinking about breastfeeding, new moms struggling with breastfeeding, and seasoned moms who offered their support and encouragement to the newest moms. It not only helped many, many mothers to successfully breastfeed their babies, but provided the opportunity to form friendships and to connect with people who knew exactly what you were going through as a new mother, because they were going through it themselves.
From there, I began working at an OB office, where I ran a weekly support group for new moms. It was clear that this group was a lifeline for mothers, many of whom had the same isolation and loneliness that I experienced when my kids were small. I always felt it was like weekly therapy- we laughed, we cried, we commiserated and supported one another. We talked about everything from sex lives, to postpartum depression to how sweet and irresistible that new baby smell is. Many moms formed friendships from that group, and I am gratified that so many women who met there are still friends today. It left such a void when I could no longer hold the group when Covid hit. Although we continued the mother to mother support via Facebook, it was not the same as meeting in person. I will never forget one day during the group many years ago, when a mom came into the room and immediately burst into tears. Everyone rallied around her and told her it was okay to cry, but would she like to talk about what was upsetting her? She managed to choke out, “I’m the worst mother in the world! My baby was on the couch right next to my husband and me, but somehow she managed to flip off the couch and onto the floor!!!” She then began to cry uncontrollably with the guilt and worry that she shouldered. Right away, the other moms in the room started confessing their own transgressions. “Well, my baby fell off the changing table,” or “my baby fell out of his carseat”, or “my baby rolled off the bed onto the floor”. The sobbing mom looked up, dried her tears, and said, “Really? I guess I’m not the worst mom in the world after all!” I knew that if she hadn’t come to moms group that day, she would have carried that guilt with her like stones in her pocket for the rest of her days as a mom. Having the other moms admit to their accidents with their babies relieved her of that guilt. That’s what moms can do for each other!
And mom support shouldn’t end when our babies are small. Moms need other moms through all the stages of their child’s life. We need to talk about tantrums, and potty training, kindergarten readiness, and teenage angst. Having other mothers to relate to helps ease the loneliness and provide friendship and support in hard times. Sadly, the internet has become the substitute for in-person contact, which was necessary during Covid, but not any longer. The picture perfect images that moms see on Facebook merely add to feelings of inadequacy and guilt, as we only get to see the “highlight reel” of people’s lives there. In person contact is real…feeling the human connection face to face allows for true feelings to emerge, like that mom in my group.
The statement “it takes a village” has become a catch-phrase, but it is an empty sentence if we don’t try to accomplish it. It can be daunting to take that step when you’re a brand new mom and unsure of yourself and just getting out of the house feels intimidating. But trust me, it’s worth it, and you will be so happy that you did. Seek a group of like-minded moms. Sometimes it takes a few tries to find your tribe that you feel comfortable with.There are many opportunities and if you can’t find one that fits, start your own! I am happy to report that I will be starting a new group after Labor Day, meeting on Thursdays at Northwest Park Early Childhood Center from 11:30-1:30. There is no charge for the group,and all babies 12 months and under are welcome. I will have a brief topic each week, with plenty of time for socializing and questions. Check out my Facebook group- “Robin’s Lactation Services” to check starting dates and for any cancellations. I would love to see you there!
