the holidays….unwanted germs and unwanted advice!
It’s the most wonderful time of the year! I love the holidays…the preparation, the anticipation, decorating, baking, family traditions- I love it all. But with all of the wonderful, meaningful things that go along with the holidays, sometimes an overdose of family togetherness can bring some unwanted aspects along with it. For years, I have listened to moms kvetch about unwanted advice, thoughtless comments, and this year especially, the exposure to the germs that you try so hard to protect your baby from. So what can you do to be able to glean some joy and not just dread from the holiday season?
First of all, you are not being an overprotective parent if you refuse to play “pass the baby”. I have had moms tell me they have had to practically wrestle well-meaning relatives to give their baby back to them. For some reason, many people think that they are the ones that can make your baby stop crying or fussing, and will stubbornly continue to refuse to give the baby back. A good way to prevent this is to wear your baby to family gatherings. If your baby is literally tied to your body, they aren’t able to grab them from your arms. And if you put your baby down, it’s a guarantee that someone will pick them up- even if they are asleep! If it is your partner’s mother (aka mother-in-law), it can be harder to be assertive with her for fear of making her angry or upset. So let your partner run interference for you! A good excuse is to tell them that the pediatrician told you not to let others hold the baby because it is cold and flu season and your baby is too young to be exposed to those germs. (and this isn’t untrue!) If you are breastfeeding, you can always tell family that you have to go nurse the baby…Generally, I encourage moms to go ahead and feed their baby wherever they are- no need to leave the party to breastfeed. But if you want to use it as a reason to get away- go for it!
Another problem that I hear of frequently is the multiple sets of grandparents that all expect a visit at the holidays. Sadly, my generation has a high divorce rate (over 60%!!) so many parents having babies now have a mom and a step-dad, and a dad and a step-mom. Multiply that by two for each parent and that gives you four sets of grandparents that expect you to see them every holiday! Dragging overtired, overwired little ones from place to place just makes everyone miserable and often leads to tense visits when baby or toddler is melting down from overload. It is okay to say no! If you’re up for it, you can invite them to come to you so that you’re not schlepping all over the place and having to put little ones in and out of the car multiple times. If that would be a source of stress, just say no. You have your own little family now, and it’s okay to cocoon yourself at home and enjoy the day with just yourselves. Spending the day in your pajamas, making a simple meal instead of spending days in the kitchen, and relaxing and enjoying each other’s company can be one of your most special holidays of all. There will be plenty of years when your kids are older that you can do the visiting circuit when everybody is more able to roll with it.
This year in particular, there is extra worry about germs. After Covid, we have all become more wary of what that errant cough or sneeze that someone bestows on you might be, and it is especially worrisome with a young baby. What is a simple cold in an adult or older child can bring on a case of RSV in an infant. Facebook is loaded with scary stories of babies who require hospitalization due to severe cases of that virus. Moms have become afraid to go anywhere for fear of exposing their baby to such germs and risking contracting these viruses. Isolation, loneliness and depression are much more common for new mothers due to this self-inflicted home confinement. Being careful is smart, being paranoid is not necessary. It’s okay to join a family gathering if you really want to go. As I said, just wear your baby, don’t let people touch them on their hands or face, and absolutely no kissing! (even grandmas…and I’m a grandma, so I know how hard that is to resist). If there are children at the family gathering, try to keep your distance from them as kids are germy and are generous with sharing their germs.
What about unwanted advice? Hearing things like “is your baby sleeping through the night yet?”; “isn’t your baby getting a little old to still be breastfeeding?”; “you’re feeding that baby again?! Maybe your milk isn’t good enough!”; and comments like that can make you want to scream. The best tactic is to smile and nod and not engage in a discussion that opens you up to more unwanted advice and debate. You know your baby best, and you know what works for them and for your family. Don’t let other people’s tactless comments get to you (it’s hard, I know!) If others’ comments become ruthless (I’ve heard some doozies from moms over the years!), come back with a snarky comment to put them in their place. It’s hard not to feel judged when people make comments that cause you to question yourself, but knowing that most of those kind of comments come from a place of ignorance might help you to not take it so seriously.
It would be a shame to have your holiday season be filled with nothing but negativity and dread. Making some minor adjustments to your usual routine and sticking to your guns if you get pushback from family members can really help to keep some joy in the season instead of trepidation. Stand together as a united front so that one parent isn’t left to fend for themselves when unwanted advice or advances come your way. Your babies are only little for such a short time and you want to make the most of it…especially during the holiday season. Happy holidays!
