Six things every new mother should know
*Your baby is already a person when they are born- in fact, they are a person even before they are born! I think often, new parents believe that their new baby is a little lump of clay…that as long as they mold and shape this little lump in all the right ways, they will model the perfect child. But very soon you realize that you have given birth to a very intact little person, with all their personality traits hardwired into them already! I frequently hear from mothers that their high needs baby was crazy active in the womb, kicking and tossing and turning day and night. And I will usually say, “and so you thought that just because they made the magical passageway out of the womb and into the world, that they would become a calm and placid baby?!!” Some babies are calm and some babies are wild, and you will adapt the way you parent them according to the baby that you have. You will know your baby best, so the advice that others feel so compelled to give you will not always work for your child. Most of parenting is trial and error and you will find what works best for you and your baby. You cannot change the traits that your baby is born with any more than you can change your partner’s.
*Mothers and babies are meant to be together- Boy do I wish our culture could grasp this concept! Look at all the baby equipment that is touted to new parents as “essential” on your baby registry- video cams to watch your baby; contraptions that rock, jiggle,or sing to your baby; mattress pads that alarm if your baby isn’t moving/breathing, and on and on and on. All of these “essentials” are things that are designed to separate parents from their baby. Don’t get me wrong, if a vibrating bouncy seat will get you an uninterrupted shower, that’s a beautiful thing! But the underlying message is, “don’t hold your baby too much, put your baby down, watch your baby from a camera rather than keeping them close and watching them”….All mammals in the animal kingdom keep their babies close to them when they are tiny and vulnerable. Yet humans (who have the most immature babies at birth of all the mammals for the record) are the only ones who put our babies down and leave them alone. Our babies can’t feed themselves, warm themselves, transport themselves, or protect themselves…no wonder they panic when we put them down and walk away from them! Our babies know that a mama-roo is no substitute for mama’s arms, and that’s why they protest when left alone. Moms and babies were a unit during pregnancy, and are still a unit in the baby’s mind for many months after birth.
*New mothers need nurturing- Yet as a culture, we do a lousy job of taking care of new moms. Women are expected to “get back to normal” as quickly as possible, and the truth is- there will never be that same kind of normal again. The marathon of giving birth and the healing, hormones and exhaustion that come with it require rest and caring help in order for a new mother to recover. In many cultures, new mothers are given the finest foods and have all the daily tasks taken care of by family and friends so that they can rest and take care of their babies and nothing else. American women often come home from the hospital and immediately try to jump right back into their old routine of cooking, cleaning, laundry and childcare. That’s why American women crash and burn postpartum. It is not physically possible to do it all. Unfortunately,, we see it as a sign of weakness to ask for help and that is just so very sad. Moms who have caring help post-birth are far less likely to suffer from postpartum depression and will heal and feel better faster when allowed the chance to rest and recover. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, and when people offer, let them!
*Your baby’s cries are meant to be disturbing- listen to them! Crying is your baby’s only language. They do not have the cognitive ability to manipulate or form bad habits. When a baby cries, it’s because they need something. It’s our job to figure out what that need is and try to meet it. Sometimes it can be frustrating or confusing to try to figure that out- you’re just getting to know this new little person. But when you keep trying (remember- trial and error!), you will usually figure it out. And if you don’t…at least your baby knows you’re trying and that you’re there with them. Leaving them alone to cry is harmful to your baby who needs you to help him. Being responsive to your baby’s cries will ultimately result in them crying less. (refer to my blog, “The risks of crying it out.”)
*Don’t be a “bossy pants” new mom! Sometimes moms make the mistake of thinking they’re the only one who really knows what the baby needs. And if you’re breastfeeding, that’s usually because you have the super power of the magic boob. No matter what the baby’s issue (teething, crabby, tired, hungry, just got their shots, overstimulated, etc), the magic boob will fix it. This often leads to partners feeling inept and left out. Moms can exacerbate this feeling of helplessness in their partner by hovering nearby when they have the baby, giving instructions (“don’t hold him like that; he likes it like this”…etc) and waiting to swoop in and rescue baby leaving the partner feeling like the baby doesn’t like them and that they are useless. Leave the room, resist the temptation to instruct, and let them figure out their own way to care for the baby. Their way may be very different from yours, but that doesn’t mean it won’t work! If you are a bossy-pants mother, you may find that your partner no longer offers to help because they’ve been made to feel that they just aren’t any good at it.
*You don’t need to be perfect… There is no such thing as a perfect mom. Every mom gets frustrated, overwhelmed, and yes, even angry at times. We’re human…and being a mom is a 24/7 job with very few “atta boys” involved. Yes, those baby smiles are a reward unto themselves, but the truth is, much of motherhood is grueling and unrewarding. Expecting that you should be enjoying every moment, have an immaculate house, cook lovely nutritious gourmet meals, all while finding time to exercise so that you can fit into your pre-pregnancy jeans is just not realistic. (Unfortunately, social media contributes to our feelings of inadequacy when you only see the highlight reels of people’s lives). Love your babies, allow yourself time to rest each day, get outside when the weather allows, and be patient with yourself. Babies get less needy and time consuming as they grow, and you may find yourself longing for the days when you sat on the couch snuggling for what felt like hours on end. If all you did was hold, nurse, and rock a fussy baby all day, then you did a lot!! Let go of the idea that you need to get things “done” every day. Seek the company of other moms (see my blog on the importance of mother to mother support) and let go of the illusion of perfection. You will be much happier for it.
These six things only scratch the surface of all there is to know about being a new mom. For now, that is enough…
