sex after baby

  Ever wonder why you seem to lose your desire for intimacy after you have a baby? If this has happened to you, you’re not alone. The vast majority of women will experience some decline in libido after becoming a mom. So although it’s normal, it can be upsetting to both partners and ultimately damaging to your relationship. So why does this happen?

·         When breastfeeding, women don’t experience normal vaginal lubrication. That’s because when you have a little nursling, your body is keyed into providing food (and survival!) for that baby. Pregnancy diminishes milk production, so vaginal dryness is a biological deterrent to procreating. But people like to do it for reasons other than making a new baby, so lubricate, lubricate, lubricate! There are all kinds of cute products out there for this purpose, so have fun choosing together- this can lead to feelings of closeness and arousal.

·         Sleep deprivation is a huge reason for lack of desire. For most new moms, sleep is about the most orgasmic thing they can think about when they get in bed at night. Don’t forget morning lovemaking, or naptime, or even in the middle of the night after baby has gone back to sleep after feeding. Being creative can add to the anticipation.

·         Many moms have body image issues after having a baby. It’s hard to feel sexy with a paunchy stomach, leaking breasts, and stretch marks. It doesn’t help that we are bombarded with pictures of celebrities who’ve just given birth and they don’t look like they were ever even pregnant.

·          Feeling touched out…you have a little barnacle baby glued to you , and older babies like to twiddle, pinch, pull and chew on you all day long. The last thing you feel like doing at the end of the day is having someone else wanting to touch you!

·         Changing roles in your relationship can add to lack of desire. Partners are sometimes jealous of the intimacy between mom and baby, and moms sometimes resent partners’ freedom and ability to continue on with their lives much like before while every aspect of her life has been turned upside down.

·         Pain can certainly be a deterrent to wanting sex. Who wants to do it if it hurts? While some discomfort can be normal at first (a big thing came out of down there!), prolonged pain should be discussed with your doctor or midwife. Try different positions where mom has more control of depth of penetration and don’t forget to lubricate!

What to do about it?

·         Sharing your feelings…so important! This can help you feel closer and clear up any misunderstandings. Share what sex has meant up to this point and how it feels now. This kind of communication creates an opportunity for new intimacy.

·         Touching…rediscover hand-holding, hugging and kissing. Not all touching has to lead to intercourse.

·         Provide accoutrements…prepare good food (or order out!) for each other, listen to music together in the dark or by candlelight, add special new touches of tenderness and mystery. A glass of wine doesn’t hurt either!

·         Stroke each other’s ego…moms need to hear that they are still seductive and sexy and partners need to know they are still desirable.

·         Give yourself time…just because you get the green light to resume sex after six weeks doesn’t mean you’re ready. Find other means of gratification in the meantime.

·         Sometimes you have to “fake it till you make it”. Many moms find that although they might not have been in the mood initially, they end up enjoying it and feel better after having been intimate with their partner.

·         If after time goes by things don’t start to get better, seek counseling. Letting your love life go by the wayside can have long term negative consequences for your relationship. Sometimes having a third party to help you negotiate your feelings can be invaluable.