the fourth trimester
If I had to pick the one thing I’ve heard from probably almost every set of parents that I’ve helped over the years, it would hands-down be, “Every time I put my baby down, he/she wakes up!” I usually joke and say “it’s a baby conspiracy”, but the truth is- it’s normal newborn behavior. The problem is, it isn’t what we expect from a new baby nor what our culture conveys is normal. We prepare our “nurseries” with what we think are all the necessary accoutrements and we envision our babies peacefully sleeping in their idyllic surroundings. Then when we bring this beautiful little bundle home and try to put them down, they cry. So we pick them back up, rock, cajole, beg, plead and try once again, and as soon as their cute little heads hit the mattress, they immediately wake right back up again. To say that this isn’t frustrating to an exhausted new parent would be an untruth for sure. So why do they do it?
It’s all about biology. Babies are very neurologically immature at birth. Their brains are only about one quarter of the adult size at birth. By the age of one, their brain will be 2/3 the adult size. That’s a HUGE amount of brain growth in only one year! That’s why their fontanelles stay open for so long- they need room in their heads for their brains to grow. Their brains are small at birth so they can fit out the narrow passageway of the birth canal. Human babies are the most physiologically immature mammals at birth of all the other mammals in the animal kingdom. Yet we’re the only mammals that put our babies down and try to leave them alone. All the other mammals stick to their babies like glue when they are first born and vulnerable. And why is this? Because if they leave them alone, something will EAT them!! Now fortunately, we as humans don’t have to worry about something eating our young. But our babies don’t know this! They do know that they are completely helpless: they can’t feed themselves, move themselves, keep themselves warm, protect themselves etc etc…No wonder they panic when we put them down! Mama is home base for that baby- remember you carried him/her for 9 months and kept him/her calm, warm, fed and comforted in the cozy confines of your womb. It is a common misconception that babies can somehow manipulate parents into making them pick them up and that you will form “bad habits” if you do so. These babies are supposed to learn to self soothe….Ugh…just the sound of that makes me cringe. I don’t know about you, but if I’m sad, scared or upset, I sure do want someone to put their arms around me and help me feel better! Why should we expect any less for our helpless little newborns?
There is much research about how responding to a baby’s cry actually makes them cry less. And it isn’t because they manipulated parents into getting what they wanted. It’s because responding to your baby is good for them…ignoring their cries actually affects their brains, and though they do eventually stop crying, it’s not because they’ve soothed themselves. It’s because they’ve given up. Kids who were intentionally left to cry for long periods have more anxiety, depression and attachment issues as adults. Responding to your baby teaches them trust and will make them healthier more secure people for the rest of their lives.
So what is an exhausted parent to do when your baby wants to be a barnacle and be attached to you all day and all night?! First, knowing that it’s normal and that you are not doing anything wrong by responding to your baby goes a long way to making it more tolerable. Sadly, our culture doesn’t provide support for new mothers that makes this stage of parenting easier. In many cultures, mothers have their extended families around to help hold the baby while mom takes a shower or a nap; to provide meals and help with housework. Most American women go home and have to do it all on their own, with unrealistic expectations of what it’s like to physically, emotionally,and hormonally recover from giving birth. So how do we survive?
* Get a baby carrier- wearing your baby keeps them close and happy and allows you to eat, go shopping, or get something done.
*No time for a shower? Take a bath with your baby, soothing for them and lets you get clean.
*Go for a walk…studies show that moms who get outside for a walk each day have much less postpartum depression. Sitting in the house day in and day out is not good for your mental health.
*Nap/sleep with your baby. Practicing safe sleep (more to come on this in a future blog) allows for easy nighttime feedings and keeping your baby close provides much more sleep for both mom and baby.
*Seek out other like-minded moms. You need your tribe when you have a new baby. Honest sharing with other moms is the best therapy there is! Scrolling through Facebook or googling your concerns just leads to more anxiety.
So how long does the “fourth trimester” last? Parents often want me to commit to a certain time frame when this will pass. The answer is…it’s different for every baby. Some kids are less needy than others. It’s an evolution. You will find that as time goes by, they need to be glued to you less and less. The days where you barely get off the couch will be fewer. Then one day you realize that your little one is always squirming to get down when you try to snuggle them. So try to enjoy this fleeting moment in your new baby’s life. Yes, it’s exhausting and overwhelming and suffocating at times. But you will miss it. So soak up your sweet baby’s smell, keep them close and ignore those people who tell you to just “put that baby down or they’ll never learn”! Your heart will tell you to respond to your baby. Listen to it…you will never regret it.
